I knew that writing about this journey had been therapeutic for me but I didn't realize how much it was helping me deal until now. A month has passed and so much has happened that I don't have written down. I see now that, even after all this time, some days it still doesn't register that this is really happening to me. Is that normal? Especially six months later? So at what point does denial become an issue and maybe get a new name like.....unstable?
I now carry scars on my chest. But because I was never ill before my diagnosis it almost feels like a fib when I say I have cancer. And I am perplexed by whether or not when asked by someone who doesn't know me or what's going on or why I don't have hair (yes, it happens), do I explain that I HAVE cancer or that I HAD cancer? Deep thought by Beck. One way or the other, I still feel like I'm waiting for them to say "Hey, we happened to look at your chart again and it was never cancer after all! But a little chemo won't hurt ya! Heck of a deal!" Cancer DENIED.
And chemo....I know the first four were tough and the new ones don't make me want to do cartwheels (confession #237, I never could do a cartwheel), but the difference between the two sets definitely makes my recent treatments pale in comparison. So we go for chemo. We visit with familiar faces, make new friends, and by the end of the day, I feel a little sleepy but I sure did enjoy hanging out with my new peeps all day, totally able to forget the chemo part of the reason I am there. Chemo DENIED.
Since my last blog around Thanksgiving, heart palpitations landed me a 3 day "getaway" to the hospital of my choice and one additional visit to the ER later in the week. My heart fluttered and while I put that to the side on its own, when they told me I had blood clots in my lung, everyone else was way more concerned than I was. I was annoyed that I had to use a potty chair in ICU (small blow to my ego) and beside myself that the food was so good in my hospital room at Barnes. Blood clots--smudge clots. Are blood clots serious? YES!! But I never SAW them! And I didn't FEEL them! My heart was fluttering and that's obnoxious. My lungs felt fine. Blood clots DENIED!
So I don't know why my reaction would be any different when Cory, one of my best friends since kindergarten, called to tell me a publisher was interested in my blog.
"So how much do you like to write your blog?" he asked. What an odd question.
"Well, I like it a lot. It's my therapy. I always feel better after clicking that post button...." I rambled, awkwardly.
"Do you like to write it as much as we love to read it?"
"Ummmmmm......I....guess..." Had he lost his mind? What was he talking about?
"I kind of overstepped my bounds and I submitted your blog to a publisher and they want to turn it into a book."
Looking back, I see this was my moment. This was my Publishers Clearing House check at the front door, where the tears should have flowed and the confetti should have fallen from the sky. Instead...my reaction -- "Really? No way. Is that right? Yes, that is exciting." The idea was beautiful. The IDEA was so much more than I ever dreamed possible. But like cancer, stuff like that happens to OTHER people. I don't get cancer. And I don't get blood clots. And I definitely don't get book deals.
And yet.........
The contract came by email from Lazy Day Publishing less than eighteen hours after the initial call from Cory. "Aren't you excited?" he text me. "Your dream is coming true, Beck." And yes, in some parallel universe I was - I AM excited! But at the time in my head all I could think was "I've really got to get these Christmas cards out." Even when I type that it sounds ridiculous. I know. Evidently being emotionally disturbed enhances my ridiculous tendencies. Who knew? I pictured myself as Elmer Fudd, tiptoeing around the house whispering "Be vewy, vewy quiet."
I told my husband. I talked to Cory. That's all. I didn't want to talk about it or tell anyone. A publisher sent me a contract! My blog is going to be turned into a book! My dream is coming true! And all I could think about was that these wind pants I was wearing were VERY noisy and when I walked I kept thinking someone was chasing me.
Kelley already knew what was going on of course, but when the email came and I had the contract there as concrete evidence, I wanted him to be the first to hear me say the words. But of course, when I called his work I couldn't get through. So I made a sandwich. Bologna. With mustard. Barbecue chips. I sat really still. What was wrong with me? Was I in a walking COMA? I needed to snap out of it. I needed to tell someone. My fourteen year old son, Ryan, was sitting on the couch and I just stared at him while I ate my sandwich.
Finally, I said "Son, I got some good news and since I can't get a hold of Dad right now, I'd like for you to be the first to know."
"Okayyyyyyy," he said, like he was almost afraid of what I deemed 'good' news. But once I told him, he was impressed, pleasantly surprised, and maybe because he was feeding off my vibes, seemed a little thoughtful. But telling him was almost like taking a step into the sunshine and I started to wake up from my trance.
Kelley finally called and I told him the news. And then I called my mom, but being the owner of a primitive furniture business, she had a customer and couldn't really talk. I assured her there was nothing wrong and that I'd talk to her later. I went to the post office and my friend Nicole was there. As we walked out together, I decided to try the news out again. She was ecstatic and her hugs and squeals began to rub off on me and I squealed a little too! When I finally got a hold of my mom hours later and told her, she was as speechless as I was. I received a text from her about fifteen minutes later, after it started to sink in and she was super excited. It was her next text though that I'll always remember.
"I have learned that it really is good to do like that old saying. When God gives you lemons, make lemonade. Cory helped get your lemonade to the market. Kind of like Farmtown."
The day seemed to drag and speed by all at the same time, although that makes no sense. Cory came over for our first business meeting so he could fill me in face to face on what in the world had just happened. He opened a new twitter account for me and before the night was over, Lazy Day Publishing posted this tweet.
"Big Announcement! Please welcome @BeckyDennington as our newest LazyDay Publishing Author!! Welcome to our team Becky"
Kelley was so excited and he wanted to tell SOMEONE so he asked if he could be the one to tell my dad. While he was on the phone with him, I went ahead and contacted a few close friends before putting the good news on facebook.
It is now, as I type these words that the tears flow. How did I get here? I see God working. I feel Him with me. The evidence is unbelievable. But I don't understand. Six months ago, I went to work every day doing something I loved and yet, there were those rare private moments where I let my mind wander to regret. Regret that someday, a long long time from now, when my life comes to a close, I'll wish I had tried a little harder to chase my dreams. Today it almost feels like my dreams are chasing me. And it's good.
I know my blog looks empty but the last eleven entries have simply been archived for now. I guess you could say things are under construction as I revamp and prepare them for my deadline in August. Me and the Ugly C will be released on eBook September 30, 2011.
Until then I will continue to update my blog and will keep writing my story. I thought the last month was a big bump in my road. Turns out it was just a plot twist.