Although cancer and I had never formally been introduced before that July day this past summer, we had run in the same circles. One of our dear friends was diagnosed with leukemia a little over four years ago now. Two of my husband’s three brothers are a part of this strange “cancer in-crowd” that I am now a member of, one of them in the process of doing chemo treatments now. My father in law won his own fight with the disease, only to lose his darling wife when her battle with pancreatic cancer ended last January. And as hard as we fought alongside my sweet Papa, we lost him to lung cancer just three summers ago.
When someone you know or someone you love goes through such a traumatic event and receives a diagnosis that even from the outside looking in you can’t really see the end of, it is such a helpless feeling to want to be able to do something. You ache for them. You wish there was some way that you could relieve some of this heavy burden laid at their feet. And yet, as much as you want to step in and help them carry this tremendous load, there’s just simply only so much you CAN do. I know. I’ve been there. Even now that I have cancer myself, I find that I see others going through this and I want to soften their blow. I’d willingly take someone else’s treatment for them or take my turn suffering through their pain so they could get some much needed rest. If I was independently wealthy I would happily take care of all their bills and make sure they never wanted for anything, so they could simply focus on getting well. I’d say in a perfect world that would be possible. I would be wrong though. In a perfect world, cancer wouldn’t exist.
When our loved ones were diagnosed, it was a local charity called 18 Fore Life that was quick to send help. 18 Fore Life is an organization that each year hosts a golf tournament and a bowling event called 10 Pins for Ben. Money raised at these events is given away to local families battling cancer, love-offerings to help with expenses that a cancer diagnosis undoubtedly brings. I remember each time we were told by someone that they had received a check from 18 Fore Life, even though I had never attended a fundraiser, never contributed in any way, I was simply proud that I had friends that were associated with such an awesome organization that would without question, without asking for qualification, send money to a stranger to help them through such a difficult time. Even then I remember thinking how awesome it was that they would do that and that I would love to help them help more families, just like they had mine.
And then I pictured myself playing golf or bowling in public and realized it may be a service to them that I steered clear. I am not a coordinated person. My only real claim to physical fame is the size of my feet. I have been told that I have good ‘understanding’. My feet are mostly toe and if you cut them off, I am sure I would lose at least three shoe sizes. I can actually pick things up with my feet because my toes are so long. However, I feel it would be inappropriate to attempt rolling a bowling ball with them and also it would be a mess if my toes got stuck in the holes. As for golf, as easy as it looks to me, I can not manage it. At a driving range with my dad a few summers ago, I watched my son really whacking that ball! Kelley and my dad, of course, were able to send it flying. I hit the ball and it just went…….right there. I was really giving it all I had and each time it hit the ground about 20 feet in front of me. Plus it’s a wonder that no one was maimed or hurt, myself or passersby, during this exercise. It was best that I left the whole golf and bowling charity events to other more responsible and coordinated people.
It was the check from 18 Fore Life that came addressed to me, though, that put it all in a different light. It came only days after my diagnosis. This love offering from a group I had done nothing for. This charity, which put the work into planning and organizing, who never received any help from me whatsoever and who had never even laid eyes on me, had been told I had cancer and quickly sent a check in the mail. How do you thank someone for something like that? I could SAY thank you. But those are words….simply sounds. How could any deep thought or meaningful statement be equal to a generosity such as this?
More than just a gift of monetary value, it was a gift to me of peace of mind. When the news was so fresh and we were so unsure of the direction things would take, this gift from 18 Fore Life gave us a pillow to rest on, a little nest egg, emergency money for an emergency that was looming heavy over our heads. I was still reeling from being told I had cancer. In essence, I was now a cancer patient and yet I didn’t feel like one. I felt somewhat like a fraud accepting this gift. Surely there was someone out there that needed it worse than I did. But then again, what did the future hold for me? So, although I felt feelings of guilt for so many reasons for accepting this love offering, I began to think about how I was ever going to pay them back. It was concrete in my mind that once this was all said and done, I would make a donation so that the money they gave us could in turn be given to another family that needed it. Time passed and I had my surgery and began my chemotherapy. Whenever I would have a moment of clarity though and almost think I might catch a glimmer of life after cancer, it would cross my mind again. How will I ever begin to repay all the angels that have touched my life since the very day I was diagnosed?
It was then that I realized I had missed a great lesson. I was so hung up on how am I ever going to pay back each kindness, each monetary amount, I lost sight of the beauty of their blessing. It wasn’t about paying it BACK! It’s about paying it FORWARD! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh……I see it now. I had heard the term before. I had seen people do it. I just had to be a part of it before I could process it and to be able to LIVE it!
Once this revelation hit me, I spent a lot of time pondering where I could start paying it forward first. Maybe I could contact one of my friends that were involved with 18 Fore Life and see if they could use me as water girl at the next event? Door-greeter? Program-folder? Ball picker-upper? I remember it weighing heavy on my mind one weekend after completing chemo. Maybe it was all the free time I had available to think on yet another trip to and from St. Louis, or maybe it was God-ly timing (I prefer the latter), but it just so happened that it was also this particular weekend that Cory called with the news that Lazy Day Publishing wanted to publish my blog into a book.
But there was more.
You see, I haven’t even talked about the best part yet. I haven’t talked about the part where Cory also told me that Lazy Day wanted to donate their own profit from the book sales to charity….. and Cory had told them all about 18 Fore Life. Here I had been struggling trying to find a way to bestow a blessing on someone who had blessed me, and in one phone call, Cory told me that not only was a dream of mine coming true but that there was a plan all laid out that was going to allow me to be associated with helping 18 Fore Life continue their quest to give to families faced with the fight of a lifetime. I don’t suppose it’s very often that small town girls with cancer get book deals. I also don’t think it’s very often that a publisher would be generous enough to donate their profit to a charity like Lazy Day Publishing has. How amazing that the chain of events and circumstances that have led to such a dream come true for me, are hopefully going to bless not only such a wonderful and inspiring charity such as 18 Fore Life, but will potentially bless countless families that 18 Fore Life reaches out to.
Remember when I talked about God-ly timing? Here lies a perfect example. As difficult of a road as the one that has led each of us to this spot, it has been the separate journeys of numerous people, an intricate web of lives and individual moments, heart-breaks and victories, criss-crossed through time to lead us here. An example of God’s plan, just one of His many masterpieces.
“The feeling remains that God is on the journey, too.” – Teresa of Avila