Like someone who loses a limb might suffer phantom pains, even months after chemo robbed me of my golden locks I still had the compulsions to live as if my hair hung across my shoulders and down my back. Mallory giggled at me one day as I got dressed. As I pulled my shirt over my head and straightened it into place, she pointed out that without knowing it, I had gently raked my fingers across the sides of my neck as if freeing hair that was no longer there from the collar. The realization of what I had done was enough to get me tickled but sent a small stab through my heart.
Phantom pains.
Numerous times in the shower as I scrubbed my bald head, my hands caressed the sides of my scalp, joining together at the nape of my neck after I had rinsed, wringing the water from hair that was only a memory. And when my hands only met one another, well, there was that phantom pain again.
A few weeks ago, I hopped in the shower, grabbed shampoo that now is truly necessary in my bathing ritual and not just a habit, to wash out the hairspray that I seem to have a new overuse issue with. Lather, rinse, repeat. My hands scrubbed the hair that I have welcomed back with open arms. But fingers running through over and over, massaging my scalp and making bubbles, caught a snag. A tangle. My hair got tangled.
And this time my heart sang.
The phantom is gone.
Last week, I finished the edits on my book and sent them in to Lazy Day Publishing, bringing the release of Me and the Ugly C one step closer. I am so excited and overjoyed that very soon I will officially be able to add the title Author to my name.
I have written little things since as far back as I can remember. And never completed a thing. Ideas for a story would wake me, pulling me out of bed, dragging me to paper to jot my thoughts down before sleep robbed them from me. And that's where they stayed. Midnight ideas scribbled on paper.
Who would have ever thought that this enemy of mine, this thief that tried to steal me away, this breast cancer that showed its ugly face and tried to hurt me and the ones I love, would be the thing that helped me reach my dream? So how do you like THAT cancer? You stepped into MY world and I defeated you! And the best part...you came in to steal my joy! Instead, I found joy IN you!
And speaking of joy, the same day I turned in those edits, I got dressed and walked into my nail salon and flipped that Closed sign to Open. After weeks of remodeling with my friends by my side and tools of some kind in their hands, after nights of me and my Handy-Girl, Gina, and my Feather (Heather) there keeping me on task, I reopened Tips to Toes almost a year from when cancer forced me to close.
I've learned a lot in the past year. I've learned what's important and what's not. I've learned when to let go and when to hang on. I've learned that I'm capable of more than I ever imagined, that dreams aren't just for fairy tales and fairy tales aren't just for princesses.
I've learned that when I feel hopeLESS, then I'll take that as an opportunity to be hopeFUL. If it's broken, I'll try to fix it. If I wish something was different then I'll try and change it. And if it doesn't work the way I wanted it to the first time, then I'll try again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Being forced out of business for a year while I did chemo and radiation turned into the perfect opportunity to remodel and reopen in a way I never would have been able to otherwise. Being confronted with cancer changed a silly-hearted girl's wish into a 36 year old's dream come true.
Sometimes life is out of our control. It's what you do with what's thrown at you that matters.
Something as simple as a tangle in my hair taught me a lesson.
When life gets all tangled up, I'll know it's time to get to work....
And lather, rinse, repeat as needed.